Revenge with Alien Guts
by UnderdogAngel
Summary: After Tseng humiliates Reno all over Shinra, Reno decides it's time for a little revenge...with some brilliantly forged paperwork. Credit to Vietta for her story "Gettin' Lucky". Go read it, I tell you! Rated for mild language and exploding aliens.
1. Plotting My Revenge

**I can't take full credit for this story (and I take no credit for the characters whatsoever), so here's a couple people that I owe things to:**

**Credit to the amazing writer Vietta for her story "Gettin' Lucky" (Go read it if you haven't, otherwise this might not make much sense XD), which is the inspiration for Reno's paperwork prank, and to the awesome reviewer TsumeLover666 for her comment about certain "government" organizations...and some alien guts XD**

**Beware the allusions to other stories! Including my story "Ordinary Day" and, as I mentioned above, Vietta's "Gettin' Lucky" X] (There's also a quick one to Vietta's "How Do Unicorns Have Babies?" Go read that, too, if you get the chance!)**

**Originally, this was just going to be a short oneshot, but it looks like this has grown into a two or three-chapter story haha Also, this is one of the first stories I've written entirely in third-person O.o Hope this works...! More to come soon! Reviews really do help!**

**So what would happen if Tseng accidentally got transferred out of Shinra for a day or two? Well, he did. And here's what happened...**

**-I. Plotting My Revenge-**

"Reno, I mean it, man. I am _not_ going along with another one of your dumb schemes."

The red-headed Turk smirked at his sunglass-wearing partner. "Come on, we gotta get revenge, right?"

"_You always_ gotta get revenge," Rude said, shaking his head. "Just what, exactly, are you getting revenge for now?"

"Remember when we crashed that helicopter in the field, and I went looking for four-leaf clovers?"

"Who crashed the helicopter?" Rude asked, raising an eyebrow.

Reno shrugged. "Okay, so I crashed the helicopter. Anyway..." He gestured to Rude to answer the question.

Rude sighed. "Yeah, I remember."

"And remember how we were explaining to Tseng when we got back the reason why we were late?"

"Yeah..." Rude wondered where on Gaia his inane partner was going with this ridiculous questioning.

"And then he kept sayin' how you wish on eyelashes and all that crap, and not on four-leaf clovers..."

"Reno, if there's a point to this, get to it, will ya?" _I swear,_ Rude thought, _if Elena were sitting in here with us, she would've killed him by now. Not that she hasn't tried before, but..._

"Alright, alright," Reno said, waving his hands in surrender. "So then I punched you, and you punched me 'out of reflex'...?" He made air quotes around the very phrase Rude had used to describe his assault on Reno's nose.

Rude pushed his sunglasses up on his nose. "That _was_ out of reflex. Anyway..."

"Yeah, so, anyway," Reno continued, getting more and more excited as he reached the climax of all this questioning. "So that happened, and then Tseng fell over laughing?"

"Uh-huh..." Rude said, getting more and more bored by the second.

"And then he went to the security tapes and made copies of the punch...and circulated them all around Shinra?"

Rude chuckled, remembering that he himself had a copy of his well-placed (not to mention timed) punch.

"It wasn't funny, man," Reno said through clenched teeth.

"Maybe not to you," Rude said, smirking.

"You almost broke my nose!"

"You were saying...about the videos..." Rude said, redirecting the subject.

Because of Reno's short attention span and his amazement at his own genius plan, Rude's plan worked.

"Oh, right, so I have to get revenge on Tseng for giving out those video tapes of me getting socked by my own partner!"

"For your dignity's sake, right?" Rude asked dryly, leaning back in his office chair.

"Hey, your dignity's at stake here, too!" Reno said, leaning forward over his desk.

Rude blinked at Reno (which Reno was oblivious to because of Rude's sunglasses). "...Why is my dignity at stake?"

Reno sighed exasperatedly. _How the _hell_ is he not seeing this?_ he wondered annoyedly.

"We are the best team the Turks have," Reno said, jabbing his pointer finger onto the top of his desk. "Do you have any idea what people have been saying about us since that little incident? It's giving Shinra a bad name."

Rude lowered his sunglasses an inch, and peered over them, giving Reno a look.

Reno knew Rude was giving him a look, and didn't even have to turn to see. He threw his hands in the air. "Okay! So it's giving Shinra a worse name!"

Rude pushed his glasses back up on his nose. "So how is getting revenge creating a better image of Shinra?"

"_Anywayyyyy_!" Reno near-shouted.

Rude shrugged. "Well, I might as well ask what your plan is, seeing as how you'll just bug me about it until I ask. Either that or you'll just tell me anyway."

Reno looked at Rude, offended at his comment. "I would never-" He cut himself off, thinking. "Actually, yeah, you're right, I probably would."

Rude nodded. "So what's the plan?"

A mischevious grin spread across Reno's face. "I swear, this is so brilliant, even _I_ am amazed."

"If it's such a brilliant plan, whaddaya need me for?" Rude asked.

"Because I know absolutely nothing about paperwork," Reno said, unashamed of the fact.

"As shown by that ever-growing pile of work on your desk," Rude said, nodding toward the stack, which was precariously perched on the corner of Reno's desk, ready to fall at any given moment.

"Aren't you going to ask me what the paperwork's _for_?" Reno asked, grinning again.

Rude sighed. "What is the paperwork for, Reno?"

**;;;;;**

"Tseng?" Elena asked, looking up from a report she was filling out. "Where are you going?"

"The President has asked to see me," Tseng replied, turning back from the door to look at her.

Elena looked at the confused look on Tseng's face. A shiver ran up her spine. Tseng never looked confused. Ever.

"What about?" she asked.

"He didn't say," Tseng said. "It's probably another complaint about Reno running around the building, or that he's overdosed on something again."

Elena sighed and nodded. She'd put in her fair share of that particular complaint before.

"I'll be back."

Elena nodded and turned back to her paperwork, secure in the fact that the head Turk could handle whatever President Shinra had called him in about.

**;;;;;**

Tseng masked his confusion and apprehension well. Infantryman and SOLDIERs 2nd and 3rd Class who passed in the hall didn't suspect anything amiss with the black-haired Turk.

But something was amiss with Tseng. In his mind.

What could Rufus want to speak to him about? He had always tried his best to be a model employee of Shinra: deceiving; merciless; and reports that were concise, perfectly written, and proved that Shinra had no involvement in the matter. He was the best Turk Shinra had.

But what if it wasn't trouble? It could've been good news that Rufus had called him in for. It was possible.

Maybe he was getting a promotion.

Maybe he was getting a special, top-secret mission.

...Maybe Reno was getting fired.

A smirk played across his lips. He sincerely hoped it was the third option.

Now set in an optimistic state of mind, Tseng sauntered into the President's office.

A bespectacled secretary looked up from her computer, then leaned over to her phone and pushed a button. "Mr. President, Tseng is here to see you."

"Yes, send him in, Janet," Rufus' voice answered over the speaker.

The secretary Janet motioned to the big wooden doors leading to Rufus' office. "The President will see you now."

"Thank you," Tseng said, nodding as he passed.

Tseng was sure that no bad news could be waiting on the other side of those doors...but maybe his prediction was a bit off.

**;;;;;**

Tseng stormed down the hallway, pushing passerbys out of his way as he went.

They practically jumped out of the way for him anyway. They were afraid of the completely outraged look on his face. Tseng was usually such an even-tempered man. At the very worst, he got annoyed. Or maybe even irked. But...outraged? That hadn't happened since Reno had lit the caferteria on fire, and locked every fire extinguisher in the building in the janitor's closet...and swallowed the key to said closet.

Tseng heard a familiar pair of combat boots tapping on the floor of the hallway, and raced around the corner, suspecting that he'd found the culprit of this bad joke (a gross understatement).

**;;;;;**

Zack wasn't they type to be caught off guard, but Tseng's present mood, and his own usual mental state of Off-in-La-La-Land, were enough to nearly knock him to the ground when Tseng appeared in front of him.

"Heya, Tseng!" he greeted cheerfully, waving a hello. "What's-?"

"Zack!" Tseng snapped, cutting Zack off. "Did you do this?"

Zack blinked at the Turk. "Do what?" _Maybe this time it wasn't actually me_, he thought hopefully.

"This!" Tseng shoved the transfer order in Zack's face.

Zack's eyes quickly darted across the page. He stifled a laugh. "I wish I could say that I did this, but I can't take the credit for this genius plan." He sniggered, slapping his hand over his mouth. "You..." His shoulders shook with laughter. "You've been transferred to the Men in Black?" He completely lost his composure, doubled over and holding his sides as he laughed.

Tseng's anger was quickly growing to rage as he glared at the -how he put it- "immature puppy of a young man who didn't even deserve to be an infantryman, let alone a SOLDER 1st Class". "Can you prove you didn't do this?" Tseng snapped, red creeping into his usually pale face.

"Tseng, I swear," Zack gasped between laughs, "I had nothing to do with it. But, COME ON! The Men in Black? That's so lame! Don't they fight aliens?"

"Oh, yes, and fighting monsters is such a HUGE difference, Zachary Fair!" Tseng shouted over Zack's laughter. "Now prove to me that you weren't involved in this!"

"Angeal and I were in Wutai!" Zack insisted. "It's all there in the report."

"What report?" Tseng hissed through clenched teeth.

"Uh," Zack said, thinking. "The one Angeal wrote that he said he'd leave on my desk for me to go over because he didn't want to get blamed yet again for me not writing the report myself. I think it's still there on my desk... Hmm..."

Tseng threw his arms up in exasperation and sighed heavily. "Fine. Whatever. Do you have a theory on who-?"

He cut himself off when he heard familiar whistling echoing down the hall.

He and Zack both turned their heads to see Reno ambling past at the end of the hallway.

Reno glanced their way, and grinned when he saw the outraged look on Tseng's face. He stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth, winked, and gave Tseng a short wave before rounding a corner and (from the sound of his footsteps) running away.

Tseng looked down at the transfer order in his hand, the big red INDEFINITE under "Length of Transfer" staring back up at him. He gritted his teeth, and a low growl escaped his throat as he crumpled the paper in his hand. _I am going to kill him,_ Tseng thought.

Zack shrugged. "Well, that's how it goes, man. You circulate a video of Rude punching him in the face, and he transfers you outta here." He shrugged again. "That's life," he said, turning and walking away.

"Where are you going?" Tseng asked, an angry edge lingering in his voice.

Zack turned back to Tseng. He looked a little nervous, as if he were a child who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Uh... Um," he stuttered. "N-Nowhere. Um, to Sector 5! Duh!"

Tseng raised an eyebrow, his own predicament momentarily forgotten in his curiosity and slight confusion. "...Why?"

"Haven't you heard? That's the place to be!" Zack was speaking quickly, as if he didn't want Tseng to think too much about what he was telling him.

Tseng kept staring at him. "The...slums?"

"Yeah! Well, gotta go! See ya! Or...I guess I won't. Have fun with the MIB!" And he ran off down the hall, still laughing at just how hilarious Tseng's transfer was.

Tseng sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. _He's probably going to see that girl again,_ he thought. _That Ancient girl. What was her name? Miku...? No. Riku...? No, that's off that ludicrous video game Reno was blathering about. Well, it had something to do with a flower, I'm sure. And there was some other girl...and a church... I don't even know why I'm contemplating this when there is a perfect murder to be planned._

_And Reno's name will the one written on the death certificate._

**My brother read this, and thought that the thing about the girl and the church and flowers made it sound like Zack was running off to get married O.o XD (By the way, do you know who the two girls are that Tseng mentioned are? If you've read Ordinary Day, then you will!) Anyway, r****eviews are greatly appreciated! More to come soon! :D**


	2. That's The Plan

**YAYAYAYAYAYAYYYY!**

**animecookiefairy, Vietta, and mochible, THANK YOU FOR YOUR REVIEWS! ^.^**

**I'm glad you like it, Vietta! I was hoping you would heehee**

**animecookiefairy, I know you'd know who Zack was going to see XD**

**mochible! You're a reader of mine now, too! Such an honor to have such a hilarious writer as a reader *bows, then jumps around* YAYAYAY! I'm glad you're reading Ordinary Day, too! Can't wait to hear your thoughts on that heehee **** (BTW, you got a mention in the intro of Chapter 25 of Ordinary Day ^.^)**

**More story allusionssss! They include: "Ordinary Day" (by moi) and "Flour Cannons" (by Vietta ^.^)**

**Okayyyyy, where did the hyperness come from? O.o Maybe from writing this chapter XD The madness continues! Lemme know whatcha think!**

**...Or Reno may just transfer YOU to the Men In Black! :O**

**-II. That's The Plan-**

To Tseng's dismay, nothing could be done about the transfer order. As far as Shinra was concerned, it was official, and legitimate. It didn't matter to Shinra that it was all Reno's fault that Tseng was being sent to fight aliens with some nutcases from a place called _Earth_. What kind of name was that anyway? "Earth"? Weren't the inhabitants of this planet more creative than that?

Tseng had no choice but to prepare for his departure. But while he was packing the necessities (clothes, weapons, hanging rope), he kept pondering and wondering of ways to get the transfer reversed. There must have been some way to make his time with the Men In Black (Tseng shuddered at the very mention of their name) shorter.

No plans came to mind, but the Turk wasn't giving up just yet.

**;;;;;**

Meanwhile, Reno was sitting with his feet propped up on his desk, leaning back in his chair, a proud smirk forever pasted on his face.

"You ever gonna stop smirking?" Rude asked.

"Maybe," Reno replied.

The sound of hurried footsteps appeared grew closer in the hall, and Reno held his breath for a moment, wondering if it was Tseng coming to confront him. And perhaps shout a whole stream of long four-letter words at him.

But, no...the pacing was all wrong... This sounded more like-

"Reno!"

Elena.

"'Sup, Laney?" Reno asked casually, tilting his head to look at her.

She was so angry, her whole face was bright red. You could practically see whisps of smoke coming from her ears hidden under her blonde hair.

"'Sup'?" she reapeated angrily. "You just transferred our boss to another agency -another friggin' _planet_-, and all you can say it 'Sup'? !"

Reno looked back at the ceiling. "Okay. If you wanna be all formal about this stuff... What's up, Elena? Or perhaps you'd prefer, Good morning, Elena. And how are you doing this lovely day?"

All Elena really wanted to do at that point was leap across Reno's desk, grab him by the throat, and strangle him to death. But then she wouldn't be able to get any answers out of him. So she pushed that idea aside...for the moment.

"Why the hell would you do something like that, Reno? ! What did Tseng ever do to you? !"

Reno sat up and leaned his arm on his desk, looking at Elena. "Don't tell me you didn't see the video he put up all over Shinra. Not to mention the internet."

Elena gaped at Reno, then began stuttering the beginnings of what were sure to be curses mixed with incredulous questions. "_That's_ what this whole thing is about? A video of RUDE PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE? !" she screamed.

Rude peeked around her to look at Reno. "She has got a point."

Reno blinked at Elena. "Well, it sounds not-so-bad when you say it like that."

Elena grunted, throwing her hands in the air. "Do you realize what a transfer to the MIB means?"

Reno grinned mischeviously. "Yes. Yes, I do, my blonde-haired Turk."

Elena raised an eyebrow. "You're just thinking about the aliens, aren't you?"

"What else would I be thinking about?" Reno asked.

"Uh, the fact that he could, oh, I don't know, GET KILLED? !"

Reno scoffed. "He won't get killed."

"She's got a point," Rude repeated.

"Who's side are you on, anyway?" Reno snapped.

Rude shrugged and sat back in his chair, his arms folded over his chest.

Elena sighed. "How can you be so sure he won't get killed?" she asked Reno.

Reno grinned again. "Because of this." He dug through the massive amounts of paperwork on his desk for the one piece of paper that would get Elena off his back about his revenge.

When he did unearth it, he held it up and pushed it in Elena's face.

Elena took the paper from Reno, and held it away from her face to read it. Her eyes widened as she scanned over it. She lowered the page and narrowed her eyes at Reno. "You really think that this is enough to make me not want to kill you?"

"She's-"

"Shut it, Rude!" Reno interrupted, cutting off another statement that would prove Rude was not on his side.

Reno looked at Elena. "So I take it you're still angry?"

She kept glaring at him. "What do you think?" she said dryly.

Reno smiled and leaned back in his chair, his arms behind his head. "Don't you worry your pretty little head about a thing, Lanely. I've got this all figured out."

Elena laughed once. "That's a first."

Reno gave her a look, unamused at her comment. "At any rate, don't you have anything more important to do than yell at me?"

"Not really," Elena replied.

Reno sighed and sat up again. "Look, Laney-"

"Stop calling me that idiotic nickname!" she cut in. "It's not even clever!"

"_Anywayyyy!_" Reno near-shouted. "Chill out. Everything is going according to plan. I'm just making our beloved, black-haired boss sweat a little, and then I'll fix everything."

"With this piece of paper?" Elena asked, holding it up.

Rude sat forward in his chair.

"Don't say it, man."

Rude shrugged and sat back again.

Reno shrugged at Elena. "If one piece of paper got him transferred..."

"Do you honestly believe you're going to get away with this? Aren't you worried about _Tseng_ getting revenge on _you_?"

"Not really," Reno said. "Because now he knows who he's dealing with."

Elena snorted. "Yeah. An idiotic moron who can't even tie his own shoes, who had a stupid idea for revenge and enlisted his partner -who actually _has_ a brain in his head- to help him out."

Another set of footsteps in the hall cut off any smart remark Reno might've made in reply. (Which might've gone something like, "Oh, yeah?" or "Says you!" or any other one of Reno's _brilliant_ comebacks.)

A SOLDIER uniform came into view first, and Reno again held his breath. He thought for a split second it might be Sephiroth, who scared him more than Tseng and Elena combined. But when he saw the black, spiky hair, he relaxed.

"Reno!"

"You come to yell at me, too, Zack?" Reno asked, pretending to be hurt. "I thought we were friends."

"Turn off the fake water works, man," Zack said, shaking his head and glancing back down the hallway. "I heard Tseng's shipping out tomorrow."

"Yeah, that is the story goin' around," Reno replied, smirking.

Zack looked over his shoulder out the door again, then crossed the room, stopping next to Elena. "I just gotta ask you something."

"Shoot," Reno said.

"How'd you do it?"

Reno blinked at him, then chuckled once. "It takes a lot of cunning and skill, my sword-wielding friend." He looked at Zack. "Why? You got someone you wanna transfer out of Shinra?"

Zack scoffed. "Psh, no! Me? Noooo. Why would you think-?"

"ZACHARY FAIR!" Sephiroth's voice echoed down the hallways and into the room the SOLDIER and the Turks were in.

"Uh...yeah... Gotta run!" Zack said quickly, heading for the door.

"What'd you do this time?" Elena asked, annoyed.

"Too much to explain, but...it wasn't my idea!" Zack said, talking even faster now.

"Oh, really, Mr. Flour Cannon?" Rude asked dryly.

Reno sniggered, remembering the day when he'd found Zack hiding out behind Shinra.

"It really wasn't my idea!" Zack snapped, not wanting to take the time to explain yet again that the flour cannon hadn't been meant for Sephiroth. Besides, it had all been Genesis' fault anyway. "Blame Kiku! It's all her fault!"

The three Turks blinked at him in confusion.

"Who's Kiku?" Reno asked, grinning. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but that sounds like a girl's name."

Zack's face flushed red. "She's, uh... Kiku's just a friend, okay? !" he said quickly.

Angry footsteps could now be heard stomping down the hall.

_At least he saved me from having to explain anything else_, Zack thought, half-grateful and half-"I wanna get outta here NOW!"

"That's my cue to make a quick exit," Zack said. "See ya!" He gave a quick wave to the three Turks, then took off running down the hall.

"ZACHARY, GET BACK HERE!"

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT, I SWEAR! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Sephiroth! Please don't kill me! KIKUUUUU! I'M GONNA GET YOU FOR THIS!"

The Turks stared at the doorway for a moment as the sounds of the chase faded.

"Think he'll catch him?" Reno asked.

"Oh, yeah," Rude said.

"Definitely," Elena said, nodding.

"Ten gil says Zack gets away," Reno said.

"I'll take that action," Elena said.

And, just like that, Tseng's departure was almost forgotten.

But, inside, Reno was still grinning at his own brilliance. Yes, he'd make Tseng worry a little. Let him think the transfer really _was_ permanent...and then he'd send off that magic piece of paper he'd shown to Elena, and everything would be alright.

At least, that was the plan.

**Or perhaps Sephiroth will come after you if you don't review! :O Either way, you should let me know what you think of it! ;D Chapter 3 coming sooonnn! Thanks again my reviewers! A cookie for each of youuuu! *hands you all a big cookie* heehee ^.^ Thanks!**

**(And if you're wondering about the funky spacing with the question marks and exclamation points... It was the only way I could get them to go together...somewhat ****^.^'** _Eheh..._ Anywhooo, leave me a comment if you liked it! :D)


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